At last Billy got his foot on the military career ladder as the chauffeur to Three-Star General Carey, the most exalted man in the vast Catterick army garrison complex. Billy was so proud and couldn’t wait to tell his father, who drove Field Marshall Montgomery in Ireland, when Montgomery was only a captain. The chauffeur’s position warranted two stripes, a special tunic and a peaked cap, suitable for this important appointment. He was absolutely delighted driving the general’s limousine and seeing all the soldiers including officers’ salute the vehicle as he passed. It was particularly gratifying when the general wasn’t inside and he forgot to put the cover over the three red stars on the bumper.
The potential corporal’s duties involved transporting the general between his house and the General Headquarters with an occasional evening social event, but for the most part it was a daily milk run. Each morning the limousine would be positioned correctly outside the house, facing the direction it was going and stopping at a precise location outside the headquarters for the general to inspect the guard while they were presenting arms. In the afternoon the general would exit by the back door of the GHQ where the limousine would be waiting.
One Saturday morning Billy entered his vehicle and a mighty wind blew the driver’s
door out of his hand, severing the check strap and breaking the handle on the
rear door. Only 30 minutes remained before the general was due to go home, so
he had to think fast. Returning to the workshop in that short amount of time
for a replacement handle which they may not have, did not appear wise. Realising
that the general would not use that side of the vehicle the rest of the day
unless there was an unexpected excursion, Billy decided that it wasn’t
anything to be concerned about and the handle could be replaced over the weekend.
The trip to the general’s house was uneventful and Billy returned to camp, intending to get the vehicle repaired. However it was a Saturday afternoon and the camp was completely deserted, with the exception of the guards at the gate. The workshop and the company office were both closed and there was no one in authority to talk to except the guard commander. Billy was already peeved, because the problem was encroaching on his weekend and he decided not to waste any more of his free time. Instead of attempting to find the guard commander, who in turn would have to find someone to open the workshop, he made a note on the back of the drivers worksheet and placed it in the company mail box according to army regulations.
Very few soldiers were aware of the small print on the back of the vehicle worksheet which relieved the driver from responsibility under such circumstances and the only reason Billy was aware of it was that his father, an ex-Regimental Sergeant Major passed a few words of wisdom on to him when he was called up.
Billy didn’t concern himself with the problem of the door handle over
the weekend, because as far as he was concerned it was someone else’s
He also completely forgot about it on Monday morning when he positioned the limousine outside the general’s residence as usual. The general exited the house on time, prompting Billy to jump out of the vehicle to open the back door and salute. Without thinking Billy reached for the door handle, which of course wasn’t there. “How do you expect me to get in, through the window?” the general blasted and immediately walked around the other side of the vehicle and let himself in, leaving Billy not knowing what to do.
The general also had to exit from the wrong side of the limousine at the headquarters, annoying him even further. Billy parked the vehicle and awaited the inevitable. Within minutes he received instructions to return to the camp, which he did as he rehearsed his response to the anticipated third degree. If they say this, I will say that and if they say that, I will say this etc. Obviously someone’s head had to roll to satisfy the general’s displeasure and Billy expected the lynch party on his return.
They did not disappoint him, because there was a frenzied group of 2 or 3 officers
and numerous non-commissioned officers waiting to interrogate him as the limousine
entered the camp. As soon as he stepped out of the car he was surrounded by
the serious looking mob, which demanded to know the story of the infamous door
handle. After explaining how the handle was broken on the Saturday, they wanted
to know why it had not been fixed and he calmly conveyed his rehearsed explanation
about workshop and the company office being closed with no one to report the
incident to. He had his fingers crossed that they wouldn’t think about
the guard commander! The lynch mob then broke up into small groups discussing
Kings Rules and Regulations, presumably considering how many of them they could
charge him with. Finally unable to contain himself any longer he blurted out
the story of the worksheet to the dumfounded group, which immediately went into
One of the officers asked a sergeant if the company mailbox had been checked over the weekend and the embarrassed looking sergeant immediately dispatched a corporal to investigate. Billy enjoyed observing the military hierarchy in action and wondered how many of them it would take to change a light bulb! The uncomfortable silence continued as Billy kept his fingers crossed in case the corporal decided to cover for his superiors by losing the worksheet. A horrible thought that only occurred to him at the last minute!
There was a sigh of relief however when the corporal came running back with the worksheet in his hand. Billy made them aware of the small print on the back and pointed to his appropriate notation, automatically relieving him of responsibility – Assuming everything was conducted according to Hoyle. Under the circumstances with so many people involved it would be unlikely if they didn’t play by the rules.
Knowing that the intended whipping boy was out of their grasp, the posture of the headhunters noticeably changed from aggressive to passive as the frenzy subsided. Finally the frustrated authoritarian figures dismissed their prey and disbanded quietly mumbling to each other. Billy felt like Jack the giant killer!
Subsequently he was advised that his position as the general’s driver was terminated. Billy was tempted to inquire if that effected his potential promotion to corporal, but he didn’t think they would appreciate the humour. All was not lost however and when one door closes another one opens, as his old mum used to say. As a result of the worksheet fiasco, someone obviously assumed that Billy’s talents were more in keeping with documentation. And instead of a latrine assignment as expected the amazed soldier found himself in the pay office, filing papers, stuffing envelopes and writing down numbers. He was now a white-collar worker in a khaki shirt and dedicated to make it a success!!